Last time, we discussed rejection, i.e. not getting what you want.
But for many people, getting what they want presents a major problem in their life—they now have to learn how to be happy with what they have.
Many of our desires (for a promotion, for a romantic partner, for an accolade) are mirages: they give the illusion that if we obtain them, we will be happy. But once we get them, they vanish—because the moment of having gotten what you wanted lasts for… well, a moment.
Then it’s over, and you ask yourself “now what?” And the natural follow-up question: “what do I need to go for next?” Many people are wired to constantly seeking achievement—and actually achieving things doesn’t satisfy that need. They always need more.
The contentment mindset
Thankfully, you can transition from an “achievement” mindset to what I call a “contentment” mindset.
Contentment may sound like a state of being, but in fact it’s a skill. It doesn’t happen naturally. Getting what you want won’t make you content; only looking at what you already have a certain way will.
For example, let’s say you bought stock in a company and the stock went down in value. You’d be unhappy, having lost money. Now assume the stock went up in value. You’d be happy then, right? Not necessarily! You could be thinking regretfully, “I wish I had bought even more of it. Then I would have made more money.”
John Bogle, the investing guru and founder of the mutual fund company Vanguard, recounts a story in one of his books:
Two famous authors were at a party hosted by a successful investor. One author turned to the other and said, “Our host made more money from his investments in one month than you made from the royalties of your most popular book over all time. How does that make you feel?” The other author responds, “That may be so, but I have one thing he will never have: enough.”
The mountain of success
Think of achievement as climbing a mountain. You believe that if you reach the summit, you will be content, but once you reach it you can now see another, even taller summit. With this metaphor in mind, here is how you can learn to have “enough”:
1. Don’t forget to look down. When you reach a summit, peer below you, and admire how far you’ve come. Taking the time to be grateful is incredibly powerful.
Another way of framing gratitude is: look forward to what you already have with the same vigor that you look forward to things you don’t yet have. Remember what it was like to be at the bottom of the mountain—how you wished you could have what you have now! And now you do have it.
Whenever you need to look down, you can try the following exercise:
Close your eyes.
Think of something in your life that you deeply appreciate: a partner, a job, an accomplishment.
Recall a time before you had that. Think about what it was like to be you, back then. Think about how much you wanted it. Try to feel that same sense of deep desire, in your mind and throughout your body.
Now, open your eyes. Snap back to the present. You have that thing you wanted!
2. Set up camp for the night. No climber worth his salt (snow?) would keep climbing into the night. When you reach a summit, set up a warm fire and share a toast with your friends. In other words: celebrate!
When you reach a milestone, you can tell your friends that you are happy, and want to show your gratitude by taking them out to dinner. That way, your memories of achieving the thing will be tied to memories of sharing quality time with people you care about.
You have, right now, all the reasons you need to be unhappy, and you have all the reasons you need to be happy. Of course, there will always be goals worth aiming for—they might be able to make you even more content—but you won’t need them in order to be content.
There’s a story about when the philosopher Diogenes was asked by Alexander the Great’s lieutenant, “Alexander has conquered half the world. What have you done?” Diogenes responded, “I have conquered the need to conquer the world.”